I am facing issues around boundaries at the moment, and I am observing that I don’t really know what a personal boundary is. I didn’t develop the concept as a child, and as a consequence I have always been more concerned with the will and expectations of the other person rather than my own needs. And so, as I enter my 5th decade, I am being confronted by this question of boundaries in many different ways, but always with the same question – where does the line lie between what you are comfortable and willing to accept, and what you are not. And how does this impact how you interact with other people. More often than not, people will keep going and taking from you until they hit the ‘line’, but if such a line doesn’t exist how will they know when enough is enough.
It has been suggested that I put a fence around the Sacred Garden to demarcate it and protect it against potential harm from trespassers. I reacted as many people would by sourcing quotes and styles that would suit the space. But I realised after some time, that I hadn’t stopped to consider if that was what I wanted. And if I did want a fence what sort of fence did I want. Did I want to keep people out, or invite people in, did I want to exclude or inform, was it a reaction to perceived threat, or an opportunity to demarcate a sacred space. A fence could provide all these things, but the effect would vary depending on the intention.
Scholars of astrology will tell you that we are in the golden age of Aquarius, the age of the collective, the greater good, service-to-all, innovation and developments in technology. The flip side of this is the need to answer the question of individual sovereignty, for if you are part of the collective, how do you define your boundaries in relation to the other. As the fabric of reality peels away to reveal the new Earth, there is an urgent need to define who we are both as individuals and in relation to the whole.
For me personally the tussle is about my need for deep connection versus my fear of that connection creating negative consequences. I sometimes feel that I am too much, too spiritual in my outlook, finding divine meaning in the mundane occurrences of life. Few people see the inferences that I do, and it sometimes makes me feel as if I am living a kind of ‘insania’ that shows me things that are not there. But if I am to be truly me, perhaps there is space for me to be the childlike dreamer that sees magic everywhere, and thus part of defining my boundaries is the acceptance of this. Perhaps the maintaining of good boundaries is not necessarily about separating yourself from those who make you feel uncomfortable, but the unflinching ability to stand firm and embrace your weirdness in a sea of normality.
If I were an oak tree, I would not need boundaries per se, for it would be clear exactly what I AM. I would be distinct from the hedge and the butterfly and the owl, but intimately connected and complimentary all the same. So perhaps I simply haven’t found my place in the world, the part of the matrix that only I can fill. Perhaps I have spent too many years focusing on the people around me, my assumptions about their needs, their judgement and their expectation. Perhaps if I was more accepting of the person I AM, and fully embraced the skills and talents that I hold, maybe I too would start to realise that I AM supporting more than just myself.
I AM a spiritual being. I believe in the divine essence of things, I look for the elegant mystery behind the machinations of life. I seek to explore the forces of nature that flow with consciousness, majesty, and intelligent design. I AM an infinitesimal but absolutely essential part of the wheel of Life. I fulfil a niche that no-one else can, and I bring to the forest a magic that cannot be conjured up any other way.
My aspiration for this latter part of my life is that I can achieve that state. That I can speak, and write, send people messages, and not immediately feel like I have missed the mark, embarrassed myself or uttered words of gibberish and folly. I AM that I AM, and that is enough. These are the words that I so desperately want to live by, but words that I find it so hard to embody, for deep down I don’t feel like I am enough. I feel that I am lacking, missing a vital part, not worthy enough to be part of the tribe. But how can you be anything else but yourself. As you get older I think you start to feel the truth of that, that to be anything else is wasted effort. The trick is to follow the sparkles of light that bring you joy, whether that be writing, gardening or weight lifting. And that in itself is the simple unadulterated expression of the ‘real’ you. And maybe from that place of joy, it is easy for the boundaries to come, because you can decide from a place of infinite power and absolute sovereignty what is aligned and what is not.
I have some way to go as I feel the push and pull of the desire to conform and the desire to stand out. I have created a garden from geometry that even I don’t fully understand, and I speak in tones that only the few can hear, but I also know that I cannot stop my soul’s expression any longer. It is frightening and unsettling, but I am realising that the Aquarian way is in part to be in world while not being of the world. To remember your divine origins while doing your daily chores. To encompass the whole while playing your unique part. Then you can choose to enforce your boundaries not from malice or division, but from alignment and resonance. I AM this, therefore I cannot be that. This is mastery of the highest level, and this is a level of higher consciousness that we can choose to achieve in this lifetime. I am looking for that sweet spot – the zone in which you can be yourself, but still include the other, where you can have your own opinions but reach a consensus, where you can be the oak tree, but part of an ecosystem.
It’s interesting that I am finding it hard to put an ending to this piece. I am not sure how to ring it and curtail it, to form the edges to make it distinct and complete. But I can also see the elegance in that – it is a body of writing with a singular purpose and intent, and yet it is now part of a wider catalogue of writing, and even wider still blends into my personal life lessons, and beyond that into humanity as a whole. Each aspect of Life is a fractal of something much bigger, and boundaries therefore are our attempts to represent the scale at which we want to operate. When I am feeling expansive and whole, my boundaries can extend to the way I can serve my community. But when I am feeling overwhelmed and alone, my boundaries need to shrink in to support my healing and recovery.
I AM that I AM, and that is enough. I will leave it there, with a question hanging in the air. Boundaries are changeable, malleable, soft or firm, expansive or restrictive. The point is that you decide in the moment what you require – the key hangs in the lock, and you are the one who determines if it is turned or not..